Rules for bar patrons

OK, here's the deal...

It's a Friday or Saturday night, and you've developed a powerful thirst during your long work week. Trust me, as a former participant in the 9-5 grind, I understand. Everybody working the bar does. So, you're out with your friends, having a couple to unwind, and everyone's having a good time.

Then, it happens. Some jackass talked shit about your slutty girlfriend, your tacky shirt, or whatever gets your back up, and you decide to show this asshole what the deal is. So, you talk shit back, it escalates, and you're pushing and shoving, until you find yourself being grabbed from behind and headed to the door.

It is about this point that your job is to relax and let things take their course. You are being thrown out of the bar, and no matter what you do, you will not win. You will not be allowed to drink here anymore tonight, you are not talking your way out of it, and you will quite possibly be arrested if you continue the behavior you have recently exhibited. Quite a show, huh?

The reason for this is simple. You are a guest in our bar, as is everyone else. The bar staff has the job of ensuring a good time to be had by all, not your particular group. That's why, and it's a universal rule, If You Fight in My Bar, You Will Get Tossed. This is nothing personal, it's business. Look, as a door/floor guy/bouncer, I couldn't give a shit who said what first, who shoved who when, or who was more offended by that asshole over there. My job is to get the fight outside. I'm not a cop, so I can't arrest you (although my word carries more weight with the police, because I haven't been drinking in a bar for that last couple of hours), so trying to argue your case to me is an exercise in futility. It's because I don't give a shit. You're fighting in my bar. You're out. Fuck you.

I'm sorry if this comes as a surprise, but it doesn't really matter if you continue to patronize my establishment. There are enough people who don't want to deal with moronic piss contests who will be more than happy to be in a place where that shit doesn't happen. So take it the fuck outside.

One more thing about the police and bouncers. Usually, the bartenders are allowed to accept offers of shots from patrons, and they will take them up on it. Same with waitresses, but not as often. Bouncers/floor/door guys, however, are different. It's our job to be sober so we can deal with your drunk ass. This is why, in almost any city you drink at, the police and the bouncers are good friends. So, if I'm hauling you out of my bar for throwing a punch at someone, telling the cop that shows up that I'm the dickhead will not work, ever. My advice is to shut the living fuck up and pray that you get to wake up in your own bed. Believe me, waking up in a bed owned by the city is a bad way to start a hangover.

There are more rules, but this is a start. Don't fight, let me or the other bouncers take car of the moron, and we'll all get along.